It is not easy to ask forgiveness from someone we have wronged. Realizing that we have brought hurt and pain into the life of another stings our pride-especially when we are openly confronted about it. Yet, it is precisely at this point of revelation that we stand at the painful crossroads of honest soul-searching and defensiveness. If we are not ready to humble ourselves and admit our guilt, we may try any number of defensive tactics, including denial, rationalization, or blame-shifting, in order to squirm our way out of the horrid awareness of our failure.
   We may start with denial, hoping to quickly end the confrontation. If the facts against us increase and our denial begins to appear ludicrous, we may have to shift our method of self-preservation quickly. We may feel compelled to shift the blame, perhaps by pleading the case that our words or actions were misunderstood. After all, what was seen or heard was not what we really said or did, and it was certainly not what we meant to convey. If while pretending we have been misunderstood, we come dangerously close to or even step over the line into lying and have a twinged conscience, we can always accuse the one we have offended of being overly sensitive. Then, overcome by anger, we can pull out our trump card and leave our brother bleeding by bringing up past grievances and building a case against him. But what do we do about our guilt, the knot in the pit of our stomach, and the broken relationship resulting from our unwillingness to confess our sin and ask for forgiveness?
   How many of us have fallen into this downward spiral of defensiveness, which is often more hurtful than the issue about which we have been confronted? No relationship can withstand this type of unresolved conflict. Often the relationship is severed, but the pain carried within the soul of each party remains.
   As Christians, we are admonished to love God and to extend this love to one another; however, we live in a fallen world where it is so easy to succumb to our fallen nature. Through forgiveness, God has mercifully provided a way out of our painful, human failings. When Jesus died on the Cross and took our sins upon Himself, He freely bestowed on us the gift of His forgiveness and the promise that He loves us even when we sin. Romans 5:8 tells us "God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us" (italics mine).
   It is not difficult for us to understand that God loves us and forgives our sins in general, but for many of us, it is hard to believe that we can be forgiven the particular sin that we have committed today-right now, in this present situation. It is even more difficult to believe that God loves us in the midst of our ugliness. Jesus' love for us is not based upon our performance. He offers forgiveness immediately, on the condition that we confess our sin, sincerely repent, go to our brother, and humbly ask his forgiveness. Only then can forgiveness set our hearts at peace.
   This is where it gets sticky! It is far easier to come to our senses and privately confess our sin to God than to actually speak the words to the offended party-admitting we are wrong to the very person we have wronged is painful and difficult because it crushes our pride and humiliates us. It is interesting to note that the way we ask for forgiveness reveals the condition of our heart. It also reveals whether or not we have killed our pride and have fully accepted responsibility for our sin.
   There is a tremendous difference between asking, "Do you forgive me?" and "Will you forgive me?" The former places the burden of forgiveness squarely on our brother's shoulders, as if forgiveness were something he owes us. There is no acknowledgment that we need to be forgiven. In essence we are demanding, not asking, for forgiveness. "Do you forgive me?" really means, "It is your responsibility to let me know everything is all right." The focus is on self: we want to feel good in spite of the conflict. When we respond this way, we reveal our insecurity and great need for reassurance. Sadly, asking "Do you forgive me?" indicates that we accept no responsibility for our sin; we are looking for healing in the relationship without admitting any culpability. Although we may "patch-up" the relationship, we will not strengthen it or cause it to grow, because we have not revealed our neediness. By refusing to be vulnerable, we have not given our brother the opportunity to truly forgive us on the deepest possible level, the level of total honesty. This incomplete forgiveness does not bring true peace to our own hearts because we have still pridefully held the high ground, putting the burden of forgiveness on the injured party without honestly confessing, "I have sinned." It seeks closure and comfort rather than healing and resolution.
   On the other hand, by asking, "Will you forgive me?" we humble ourselves and acknowledge we are in the wrong. But, before we ask, "Will you forgive me?" it is important to confess exactly what it is for which we want to be forgiven, so that our brother can respond freely without feeling pressured to take the full responsibility. It also gives him the opportunity to express his own feelings and to ask for forgiveness himself, if that is necessary. By approaching forgiveness in this way, we accept responsibility; we acknowledge that we have caused pain or injury to someone else. It is an honest and open approach that brings true healing, resolution, and closure. It also gives a death blow to our pride, self-righteousness, and haughtiness; in exposing our neediness, it allows the virtue of humility to grow in our hearts. We can, perhaps for the first time, see how our sin caused real pain to our brother, and we can feel the hurt. With this attitude, we can once again take our brother into our heart and love him with God's love. We can now forgive our brother anything on his part that needs to be forgiven. This level of forgiveness forges deep and lasting relationships and becomes the witness of Christ's love to the world.
   Taking full responsibility for our sin by asking for and receiving forgiveness also closes the door to guilt. No longer can the enemy have a foothold in our soul to accuse us and beat us up with guilt. We have acknowledged our sin, and with a contrite heart we have confessed to God as well as to our brother. We are totally forgiven, our conscience is clear, and we are free. Our suffering and anguish have proven to be redemptive; deep peace and joy are now released in our hearts.
   But what happens if we go to our brother, accept the responsibility for our sin, ask for forgiveness, and are rebuffed? Although we suffer another blow to our pride by being rejected, our sin is still forgiven by God. Even in this case, our guilt is wiped away because we have done everything in our power to bring healing to the relationship. We may feel hurt and rejected, but we are free from sin nonetheless. Now, our responsibility is to pray for our brother, place him in God's hands, and wait for God to work in his heart. We also must face the fact that restoration does not always follow, because God has given each of us a free will and will not violate our will to force His way upon us. If restoration never comes, our forgiveness is still secure, but we must pray for grace not to fall into judgement, anger, gossip, and the like. There is no way around it-we will suffer the pain of a broken relationship, but even this can become redemptive if we turn to Jesus, give Him our pain, and continue to pray for the grace to love our brother in spite of the circumstances. This heart attitude will only serve to draw us into closer union with God, and day by day will soften our heart toward our brother.
   As difficult as it might be, accepting responsibility for our sin and asking our brother for forgiveness keeps us in touch with our weakness and our utter dependence upon God. It gives us the opportunity to run to Him and bask in His love and forgiveness. Experiencing His never-ending mercy and loving-kindness is worth all the agony of crushing our pride and honestly looking at our own sinfulness. Lord, give us the grace to grow in humility and to be quick to ask for forgiveness.